Last year, I felt deeply rejected. The story is left out intentionally because it's not a comparison of stories. Every rejection how ever slight or severe has impact. And the lesson is not in the story and how to avoid a similar story again, rather it's to learn how to be in a relationship with our own feelings and pain. Do I reject my own feelings or do I listen, trust and nurture them?
I was in pain for months and then one day I felt that my pain was awfully familiar. She wasn't new pain. We knew each other and I feared her in the past. She kept speaking to me and saying, "See, I told you so. You aren't lovable." I would always respond, "No. YES I AM" and then go out into the world and try to prove to my her (my pain) that I am lovable.
This time it was different.
I was curious.
I stood in my pain, I melted into it and started to drown in it. I became one with her.
In my drowning, I knew that my pain had something to teach me about myself. I was scared and simultaneously knew that if I brushed her off again… she would be angry. If I went about my life to focus on something other than my pain, I would end up in the same place. That she would come back again, if anything more severe the next time to get my attention.
I couldn't hide her by working a lot, excessively socializing, exercising, thinking positively and being grateful for all the other wonderful parts of my life. My pain needed ME. She needed ME. That's when I my true self love journey started.
That moment was the beginning. I will never forget it.