"Hello! My 'Husband', for lack of a better term, and I have been engaged for 3 years, and together for a total of 6. At first, and I mean for the first 4 years or so, the passion and Sex was out of this world. We couldn't stay away let alone off of each other. However, since we've had our son (almost 3 yrs) that's all changed. I knew it would at first but I thought eventually I'd get that burning fire back. Nope, not at all. I don't think about sex, I don't want sex, but actually I DO, but something in me refuses to get there. When I finally do get in the mood it's like mental gymnastics to stay there...what's wrong with me, what's happened? I love my 'Husband', I'm still attracted to him, I want to be able to give him what he wants, and what I want! Something's got to give, I want my body back!"
Dear where’s my mojo,
As relationships progress they go through different phases, each of which comes with its own set of benefits and limitations. In a more more mature relationship like yours (as opposed to the early lust stage of a relationship), when we experience emotional gaps with our partners it becomes harder to connect physically. It may be that you love your husband, but if he does something that takes an emotional toll on you, or if life does something that takes an emotional toll on you (i.e. being a mother), it will be harder for you to connect physically. The mental gymnastics you’re referencing could be exactly this - your body is having a hard time getting over mental and emotional roadblocks.
To improve the connection with your husband, I would suggest that you and your husband implement a hello and goodbye routine, where when you separate for the day you hug and kiss (a real kiss!) for at least six seconds, and when you reunite, you do the same. I would also encourage you to establish a weekly date night, where the two of you get to go have fun together, without friends, without kids, without your pets. Make it interesting, try new things, experience life together outside of your usual routine. Be curious about each other’s lives and explore together. And commit to it - do it weekly, no matter what.
Plus, after having a child your body does completely change. Make sure you’re spending time getting to know yourself again. The more connected you are with your own pleasure and body, the more likely you’ll be to connect with your partner.
Desire is a fire you have to fuel, and you fuel it with energy. New moms often are very low on energy, because they are expending so much on their children. They often don’t have a surplus of energy to invest in desire. And that’s okay. The self-judgment we feel for lacking desire only heightens the problem. Try to invest time each week, even if it is a matter of minutes or an hour, practicing self care. The more energy you have, the more you can use to ignite your sex drive. Let me know how it goes!
About Dr. Christina Stein
Christina is a Sex Therapist and Relationship Expert who specializes in reinvigorating relationships and empowering women. She has a private practice in Santa Monica, California where she works with individuals and couples to reclaim desire and connection with themselves and their partner. She is passionate about teaching people how to take the monotony out of monogamy.
In this day in age woman are expected to excel both personally and professionally, as both mothers and wives, and Christina is aware of how challenging that is for many women. In addition to personal and professional development and success, women are constantly struggling to stay connected to their sexuality and maintain a passionate relationship with their partners.
With her enthusiasm for facilitating personal growth and awareness, Christina focuses on helping individuals and couples discover their strengths and accomplish their goals, leading to a more inspiring life. Christina helps women awaken their desire, giving them greater self-confidence and empowering them as women. She also works with couples to create greater intimacy and teaches them how to light a spark that creates anticipation and excitement in their relationships.
Christina is a licensed marriage and family therapist, holds a masters in clinical psychology, and a Ph.D. in human sexuality.