The Girl Who Got Bored With Black & White

The Girl Who Got Bored With Black & White

"My choose yourself moment began brewing four years ago. I set out on this journey starving for love and bared it all just to suppress my appetite. After undergoing lapband surgery for all reasons outside of myself I thought that fitting in would suffice. It took me four years, surviving sexual abuse, physical abuse, dead-end jobs, one-sided friendships and living in the throes of a debilitating eating disorder to choose a better tomorrow.

It was one of many nights that I'd be leaning over the toilet vomiting that I remember beating my fists at the ground covered in vomit crying out to Gd there’s gotta be a better way. From that moment on my life took a turn I never thought I’d live to tell. On October 30th, 2019, I underwent revision surgery. I removed my lapband and revised it to a vertical sleeve. I also removed every person, place, and thing in my life that didn’t bring my soul peace and joy. Sometimes, without us realizing it, emotional weight can be heavier than pounds. In less than a month, I moved into a place that brings me the utmost joy. I get to call the beach my backyard. I finally have relief from my physical symptoms and am recovering each and every day.

Why am I sharing this all with you? Because I am living proof of a girl who made one decision: to chose ME, and as soon as I did Gd literally uprooted my life in ways I can only express as a miracle. I solidified that promise with a pinky tattoo on my left hand. I realized that getting lost in the service of others won’t get me to love myself more; it's by choosing to accept myself and loving myself that I can be of service to others. I can cry tears of gratitude just reflecting on how far I have come and how much farther I have to go. In a rapidly changing world that encourages blending in with black and white, I encourage you to show up in tie-dye 💗 You’ll be glad you did!"

With so much gratitude, Nikki, Long Beach, NY

To connect with Nikki, follow her on Instagram here.

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1 comment

  • Thank you so much for sharing!! It is difficult to be in a position of self love for women as we are psychologically trained by society to suppress our individual needs for the needs of others. As a single parent and also sex abuse survivor I’ve spent years trying to claim my independence around a family of submissive and borderline bully abusive women who accepted their roles as wife and mother. Not only having crummy and humiliating jobs while returning to school but also dealing with family criticizing every move I make to go against the norm. I’ve tried everything from AA to mom groups to therapy. And honestly my greatest comfort comes from hearing stories like yours and your success. It reminds me that I CAN ,,, no matter what

    Tracy

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