"I never post personal things on Instagram, but this is something close to my heart that I think could be important to share. I have struggled with my self-worth for as long as I can remember. I'll admit, I have wanted a Prince Charming since I laid eyes on Aladdin... and I've looked for him. I searched, scoured, and quested for a man to make me feel complete and beautiful and loved and cared for. I latched on to several unwilling and/or unworthy males, tried to push and pull them into the shape I wanted and needed like they were Play-Doh.
In 2014, I was eat-sleep-breathing any man who'd pay me attention. And then I met Someone. We were drinking buddies, then best friends, and then we dated for a whirlwind three months that felt like (I imagine) the life cycle of a failed marriage. That breakup in August 2014 sent me spiraling into a cycle of depression and overconsumption (of food, alcohol, and adrenaline) that would last a full two years.
With the help of the most patient and loving God, family, and friends in existence, I crawled my way out of the darkness I'd painted for myself. After two years of hoping and praying that I'd be good enough for someone else, it felt like a light switch flipped. I looked myself in the mirror and said, "No more." No more holding on for dear life, no more begging for wholeness, no more. I decided that I would work to find my purpose, my beauty, my self. It is a daily struggle to believe what I know is true rather than what I feel I've been told by a few men/a few boys/society/myself for so long, but I'm trying. I am actively trying each day in the choices I make and the people with whom I surround myself. About a year ago, I found this business called #fredandfar from an Instagram post. They advertised the #SelfLovePinkyRing as "the anti-engagement ring," and I thought I want that. I vowed that I would get it for myself when I deserved it and could uphold what it stands for: "Make a pinky promise to choose yourself, honor yourself, and remember yourself daily." I realized that I'll never be perfect or get it all right, but it's never too soon to be my own knight in shining armor. So I bought it.
And in true forever-commitment fashion, I wrote myself a few vows:
1. I will choose myself, my family, and the people I love every day. I will not sacrifice myself or those I care about for anything that does not line up with my values.
2. I will honor myself. I will celebrate and care for my body, mind, and spirit.
3. I will remember the path I've traveled, and I will not repeat my history. I will continue forward.
4. I will endeavor to treat others with respect, gratitude, grace, and humility. I will apologize when I am wrong without apology for who I am.
5. I will live with the knowledge that the Lord will fulfill His promises, and that I am given a spirit of power, love, and self-control. (Luke 1:45; 2 Timothy 1:7)
This is my solemn vow.
Connect with Amberlyn on Instagram! @amberlyn.r09