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A Self Love Diary

    Too Much Heart

    Ha! Too much heart?

    Who would ever say a heart could be too much.

    A heart so big, so expansive that it scares the woman. So the woman hides.


    I was in a workshop. I was in a meditative visualization. To describe it in words, I was in a place of nothingness. The nothingness doesn't matter. Here's what does.

    I felt my heart. I felt my own love. It felt like the first time. It was so intense. It was so deep. So wide. So expansive and I didn't know how to be there without wanting to quickly share it with another. To quickly give it away.

    Too many feels.

    Too much love.

    Isn't it so interesting to think that I often crave love from another, and I cannot even receive the love of my own heart?

    Isn't is interesting to wonder what would happen if I could stay in the space of too much heart without feeling scared. Without feeling unsafe. Without feeling unworthy.

    Without. Just with the heart.

    What would happen to me? Would I drown?

    Would I have more power?

    What would I do with the power?

    It's scary to think that much heart, that much love, that much power is accessible by little ol' me.

    And yet, I somehow know, I'm not the only one.

    If I'm just another human. Then every other human has access to this same heart. Too much heart. And probably feels just as scared.

    So let's all pigeonhole ourselves into our personalities and our containers we live in. It's safer in here.

    The oneness of the heart. There I may be lost. My personality and my sense of self might disappear.

    Who would I be? Who would I not be?

    Now that I've felt it. I won't ever be the same. I will wonder each day what would happen to me if I allowed myself




    Turning Into The Skid

    Skids happen. 

    Every day I experience a skid.

    An internal spin out of feelings.

    An obstacle course at work.

    A challenge relating to someone in my life.

    Every day there's a skid.

    Lately it feels like others are also experiencing intense skids.

    When a car spins out of control, it skids. My normal impulse is to brake and brace for impact. Instead, there's a way to get out of the skid. To turn into it and then get control of the car. (for more on literally turning into a skid with a car please do some Google research)

    In this case, I am talking about life's skids.

    Here's what I learned. I turn into the skid, into my own darkness. Into the fears, into the anxiety at work, into the challenges and obstacles. I don't resist.

    I lean in.

    And in the darkness, I find things and I more importantly I move through it coming out transformed, every single time.

    So now I know to turn into the skid, not away.

    How often I used to resist myself, my own feelings because they were so scary.

    Now I am here for me. Every day.


    Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by life.

    Last week I had a big revelation.

    When I expect the smallest part of myself to hold all my feelings, all the stimulation of the outside world and to handle all the responsibility of being an adult, of course I feel overwhelmed.

    When I come from my wholeness, all my parts, not just the smallest most convenient part, I am inclusive without the exhaustion.

    Sometimes I wonder if the land holds the ocean or the ocean holds the land. Maybe, in their vastness, they are able to hold each other.

    In my vastness, I am able to hold all that comes my way.

    My ME is vast. She is abundant and unconditional.

    Run Away With ME

    Run away with ME.

    My ME gives me images, sounds, stories and sometimes visions that feel like memories, that aren't my memories.

    I used to call this fantasy. I used to feel I was running away into an unknown land.

    Now I know my ME is communicating through the only way she knows how - creativity. Telling me stories, showing me symbols, taking my mind on a journey into a far away place that's not right here.

    It's not fantasy. It's wisdom. It's intuition. It's passion.

    What I do with what my ME gives me... that's for us to figure out, together. Partners in this wild journey as a human being, a woman.


    The most simple way to take care of my ME.

    My feelings have depth and width and can be confusing or hard to feel at times.

    My thoughts stream from a thousand rivers.

    My heart is vast and mysterious.

    So simple and often so easily overlooked... I forget that when I am tired, it's time to sleep. To rest, deeply and peacefully. How simple, yet how often I skip it.

    I've noticed how much chaos can occur in my mind and heart, simply from a lack of sleep. So, I drop any self judgment of why I need rest and just rest.

    Do I judge babies and children for needing sleep when they need it?

    It's time I treat my ME like I am the parent and she is my dearest child. It's time to rest.

    Acknowledge the dark

    The light doesn't run away from the dark or reject it. It shines light in its direction to transform it.

    So often growing up, I was taught to think positive and focus on what I am grateful for. I did. As I grew older (and I feel, wiser) I began to realize it's not just about focusing on gratitude and what is good. It's also about acknowledging that the ugly exists.

    I shine my light on my own darkness. I include my own ugliness in my day to day experiences.

    Here's the magic that it brings. It allows me to be inclusive of other people's darkness with compassion and boundaries instead of judgment and rejection.

    This is especially becoming more and more relevant in the world I live in.

    When my ME includes the ugly parts of me, I am able to include the ugly parts of others with love and boundaries. It's a 'No' from love, not a 'No' from rejection.

    Acknowledge the dark to transform it into light and love.

    Shine light where it needs it the most.

    Unfelt Feelings

    A few days ago, I was angry. I was disappointed and angry.

    The day went on and as the day progressed I began to feel so defeated and disempowered. I wondered how the feeling of defeat had taken over me - like an internal monster that wanted only my livelihood.

    By the time the day came to an end, and I sat with my ME, she whispered something to me. Words of truth.

    She said: Unfelt feelings, like your anger this morning, turn into disempowerment - the perfect opportunity to rob yourself of your own livelihood. Don't avoid anger. Don't fear anger. Feel it with your whole body. See what anger has to express in your internal universe.

    Feelings left unfelt, I realized, they turn into disempowerment. My ME always returns me to her, powerful she is.


    When I don't think about it, my ME... she knows it.

    She has pure clarity.

    It is so liberating to feel that I can let go of my thoughts and have so much more wisdom that I had with them.


    I stood in front of the mirror. I closed my eyes. I opened them and took a look at myself and closed my eyes again.

    I go into myself. Into my body and connect with all my aspects. As all my feelings, my parts, and my deep ME came together tears started to role down my cheeks.

    I felt like I was meeting my ME again. I felt like I picked her up from the airport terminal after a long time of not seeing her.

    It might have only been a day that I hadn't connected. To my ME, it felt like a long trip away.

    Sunday Morning

    Dear empty Sunday morning, 

    I am in love with you.

    This moment of full peace.

    Jazz playing from the speakers in the other room. A little reading, a little cleaning, and journaling.

    The warmth of my tea by my side and hours of empty space to just be ME, Still ME. Silent ME.




    I've always thought of myself as a creator.

    More recently, I am realizing that when I have my ME with me, I'm not just a creator.

    I am a transformer and that includes her magic.


    Me ME. She's not to be molded. She is to be unfolded... each and ever day.

    Going and going

    In the mystery of life, I always end up in one place - where I came from. I don't mean physically or geographically, rather if I approach a thing from a place that's not all ME, I end up in that place. If I approach a thing or person from all of ME, I end up in all of ME.

    That's the magic. Going to where I come from, every day. ME.

    Craving My Body

    I crave muscle.

    I crave a tightness where muscle is forming, maybe around my thighs, butt and core and sometimes around my shoulders and calves.

    I crave a strength that lets me move more freely on the ground. Like a body that comes with high grade dynamic suspension.

    My ME craves the strength it feels naturally to be embodied in my human body.

    Strong. My ME craves my own body, to be in it more often.


    Intuition. I cannot touch it. Sometimes I can feel it. It's fleeting like a tease. Leaves me wondering if it was real or an illusion.

    I'm often not sure what to make of it. I want to hold on, push away, organize it, define it and make it known.

    I swam around in a vast ocean searching for intuition to guide me to give me answers to make it all known - the feelings, the unresolved parts of my life I crave to resolve. I swam and I swam in search of something to make me feel at home.

    Intuition doesn't want to be defined, organized or made known. It's elusive for a reason. It craves mystery from love, wonder and awe. Intuition is my ME. We are one. I am home in the mystery of myself.

    Heart, Mind, ME

    My heart is the expression of my soul.

    My mind is a collection of thoughts streaming from a thousand rivers.

    If my ME is controlled by my mind, there's no room for my heart to express the beauty of my soul.

    Letting my ME free to be. It's so hard and yet so rewarding.

    Context v. Content

    CONTENT. The stories my brain creates. The observations from around me. Judgments. Likings. Beliefs. Words. Material. All of the stuff.

    CONTEXT. My come from. Where am I coming from? Am I coming from my ME or someone else's perceived ME, or the news, or my brain, or my family... so many come from options.

    Only one keeps all in alignment. When I come from my ME, the content in my life aligns, always. My ME - she is powerful.


    This past weekend I was angry. Sad. Felt tension about certain things I could not wrap my head around. I did not have answers.

    I sat for a moment with my ME.

    All of a sudden instead of struggling to clear the tense feelings... to conclude something, my ME whispered to my heart. Curious. Be curious and let it be there.

    Now when I have tense moments, I have a journal entry for them. It's called "point of curiosity." I write about all my curiosity and let it be.

    My ME heals me. She's powerful.


    I feel intense energy moving through my body. Normally, I would get antsy and maybe even a little irate.

    Today I surrender.







    my ME










    "Show up. Show up. And the muse shows up too."

    This could not be more true. Every time I show up for my ME, my ME shows up for me too. My ME is my muse. That's the thing about my authentic ME, when I show up for her, she shows up for me in such a powerful way and together we are whole.

    Show Up. See what unfolds.


    I am dancing.

    The music is flowing through my body, making waves of movement.

    A question pops into my mind. Where can my ME offer and open my heart to?

    My heart answers: to nature.

    I offer my heart as a student to nature. For nature knows what my mind doesn't. Nature knows what people don't. Nature knows something about magic, about growth, about nurture that is so divine and yet, we forget.

    So I offer my heart as a student to nature. For nature can teach my heart about patience, wisdom, nurture in a sacred way.


    I'm starting to think about romancing my ME.

    Someone asked me the other week about how I am romantic with myself. I froze. I'm not too sure. I know I take care of my body and my mind each day. I know that I engage in all the conventional acts of self care.

    Am I being romantic though? A seed was planted.

    How can I be romantic with my ME?

    I knew this was going to be a challenge. I buy myself everything I need, so it's not about gift giving or dining out. It's not about taking myself out to fun places. It's something deeper. It's how romance feels to ME.

    So here I am getting to know my ME (again) in a new way. Learning how to romance her. I guess you can say we're dating.

    I'm excited to see what feels romantic to my ME.

    I'm tickled.


    Will I Stay?

    When I can stay with my ME

    ... in the presence of a crush

    ... in the presence of seeing an old friend with hurt feelings between us

    ... in the presence of a social gathering where I normally feel forced to be extroverted

    ... in the presence of work, tasks and career uncertainty

    ... in the presence of taking care of others

    ... in the presence of family and children running around

    ... in the presence of all that is unknown in life

    Then I am ME, for ME and with my love for ME unconditionally.


    There are only two ways to protect my ME. 

    1. You are divine and sacred and I will stand for you.

    2. You are fragile and weak and I will need to protect you.

    I get to choose every day how I protect her.


    My ME sometimes likes to play dress up and hide herself. She likes to connect with people while in costume. 

    I realized last night that my ME often likes to use my skills and personality while she hides.

    The motherly side of me.

    The 'I know how to do this, let me show you' side of me.

    The sexy arousing side.

    The I can make you feel better in life (or about yourself) side.

    The I can cook you something.

    The I can be your best friend side.

    So many sides, none of them simply my true ME.

    From this day forth, I promise my ME to allow her to connect with others as she is, no sides, no costume dress up, simply ME.

    Short Term. Long Term.

    I've noticed I have to decide each day between short term and long term self love and finding a balance that feels good for me.

    Some days short term self love means taking a walk to the nearby ice cream shop and treating myself to a delicious cup of ice cream, maybe even with several scoops. On other days self love means refraining from eating several scoops of ice cream in one sitting.

    One way is to care for myself today in the moment (short term) and the other way is to care for myself, knowing my life is long and I want to be healthy (long term).

    There are so many examples of this. It relates to almost everything I do and engage in on a regular basis. If I only ever act with short term benefits in mind, I'm not loving myself for the long haul. And if I only ever engage in things that are simply beneficial in the long run, I miss out on enjoyment today.

    I guess this is what it means to be human.

    I guess this is what it means to be in the act of self love. It's not deciding in advance whether or not I will be a short term or long term kind of gal, it's being so in touch with my ME that I can intuitively know from a place of wisdom when it's time for short term and when it's time for the long term stuff.

    It's like I'm dancing with my ME in every moment, feeling what the next step will be.


    I'm taken back to a moment a few years ago. I was at a bar with a man and there was live music. Music I didn't have any experience dancing to. I was tired, my feet hurt and I was feeling fragile. I needed to be carried... emotionally. I needed nurture. I needed safety. I needed the man I was with to reassure me that he was in it with me. I needed him to express through words who I was in his life.

    I didn't have any of that. When he came to dance with me, I couldn't move. I was so disconnected from my own fire, my own energy that I couldn't even feel the music.

    I was not with my ME. No one was. My ME was abandoned and looking for something, anything, to make her feel connected, nurtured, loved and safe. I wasn't there.

    I think back to that time and with all parts of my heart... I want a second chance. I want a second chance to be in the same bar, with the same guy... this time with myself, with my ME. Where me and my ME could enjoy the man, the music, the dance from a place of self love and connectedness. 

    That moment reminds me to not let other moments today and tomorow go by without self love for my ME.


    I am a fragile being.

    We are all fragile. The world tells us to toughen up. I don't agree. My fragility makes me beautiful and if I cannot take care of fragility with tenderness and adoration, how can I expect the world to understand and see my ME, my fragile ME for who I really am?


    I woke up today and with every inch of my body I felt that I needed to prove to myself that I was not all the horrible things I was judging myself for. I needed to talk to someone, go out into the world to find proof.

    I knew in this moment, that my self-judgment had taken over my heart.

    I remember feeling this way. I don't remember the last time. It seems to come and go and feel like a distant memory, even though it may have been just a few days ago.

    I can name it however I want - anxiety, depression, feelings of being wounded, insecure, hurt - whatever name I give it... it's a bad day. In one swoop, I knew I was not the same woman I was years ago. Because I had a new thought that followed: can I love myself in this dark place? A question I would never think to ask myself years ago.

    Can I love myself on my bad days?

    Can I find my heart and nurture my body and my soul on days where I feel less than nothing?

    My bad days are new bad days. I'm transforming every day through loving my ME in new ways.


    I've always been shy to actually take in a compliment from a stranger and truly receive it. The parking attendant, the waiter, the landscaper, the man running next to me by the ocean... men everywhere who would whistle, smile or acknowledge me in any way. 

    It's funny. I grew up thinking that it was somehow inappropriate to have someone whistle at me. Maybe even... gross.

    Recently I am starting to become acutely aware of how desexualizing it is for me to not receive acknowledgement my environment is giving me.

    I smile back when I get acknowledged now. You know what happens to the man on the other side... he's so happy that he made me happy. And I'm so happy that I can stand in my own personal power and receive with self love and boundaries. It's possible to be sexual in energy without being sexual physically.

    Right now, today, this week... that's self love for me. To embrace my sexuality without needing to actually be sexual. Boom.


    I always thought that intimacy was telling someone what my heart has been through, what I have been through.

    Now a self loving woman, I know that intimacy is revealing myself and my feeling in each moment... moment by moment. It's a lot harder to reveal myself in the present than it is to reveal what I have been through. Maybe I've been telling my story just to avoid how I feel in this exact moment. Right. Now.


    I planned to be patient a few months ago. I gave myself a month to be patient.

    It was quite funny.

    Patience doesn't have a deadline or an outcome. Patience is unconditional and infinite.

    What if I could be patient with myself and all aspects of ME forever?

    What if I could be patient with my own limitations, my own pain and my own fears?

    I tried it today and it was an incredible day. I was fully alive.

    I will try it again tomorrow. And every day I will decide to be unconditional and infinite with myself.

    If I cannot be unconditionally loving and patient with my ME, how can I expect to lead by example?


    What non-beauty do I fear? 

    I ask myself this question from time to time. It helps me understand myself better. What aspects of me are not beautiful and why do I fear them? It changes every day. Today, the answer was unworthiness. That somehow I am not good enough in some way and that this is actually true.

    What I learned from my answer today is that my unworthiness is going about my day looking for proof to be right (or wrong). Isn't that something. As though there is proof in either direction.

    What if my non-beautiful unworthiness didn't need proof to be right or wrong? What if it could just exist within ME and I could nurture it just a little every day?

    Me ME goes about my day instead.


    Today, I realized that I intentionally give my my power to my pain (the memories and analysis of past painful events). I am afraid of honoring my own feminine power. For, I have this false belief that if I honor my divine feminine and power, I will somehow be too whole. Too whole for a man to love. 

    Somewhere along the way I learned that a man needs to save a woman, a damsel in distress. How sad to think that my personality is giving away my feminine power to pain in order to be more attractive. How false. How silly. Disney fairytales didn't teach a girl about what it means to stand in a woman's power. 

    Today I am learning. It's never too late to learn. That's the beauty of it all. Today, I broke through a false belief into the vast unknown of what life will be like from now on a little lighter and a little more of ME shines through.


    Today I realized what an aspect of self love is to me. It is to allow what my mind thinks I should be die in order to allow my ME to live. 

    This is a lot harder than it seems. It's not something I can do once. It's something I commit to. I am choosing to commit to this for the rest of my life. In every moment, I will let anything that suppresses my ME die so my ME can live.


    In what way can I bring myself JOY?

    In what ways do I burn with CREATIVITY for myself?

    How can I cook up a fire of creativity for myself every day?

    What does my WILD life look like?


    Growing up I identified with Cinderella, Snow White and the princesses. They all seemed slightly broken and were magically saved by love from their knight in shining armor.

    It's not that I need a knight to fall in love with my inner somewhat less than Cinderella - it's that I need to marry that part of myself.

    That's fairytale love. My ME chooses my inner Cinderella every day.


    Irate. Angry. Sad. All wrapped up together in one energy that have totally taken over my being this morning. I want to fight it off and I cannot think of what to do to make it go away so I surrender. 

    I take myself to lunch. I sit with my salad and delicious tacos. I take a bite and immediately feel a sensation of taste. It was somehow more intense today. Maybe because I was in my feelings, rather than resisting them.

    I realize in that moment my senses are an ally to my ME.





    All there to remind me and bring me back to ME. Every time I try to escape myself by worrying and controlling how my life will play out, next week and the rest of the year, I leave my ME and go into the future. I lose myself and my ME... she is lonely and abandoned. If I cannot stay with my ME, how can I expect the world to?

    My senses are my ally.

    I will always have my ME if I am experiencing touch, taste, scent and sound.


    My feelings are waves in an ocean. Sometimes they are really big... seemingly destructive and secretly restorative.

    I grew up scared of waves I didn't know how to ride. Fear that I will drown and get lost in the waves - the mystery, the vastness, the never ending movement. I didn't trust it. I thought it would take me.

    I touch my body and am reminded I am the earth.

    There I am. My ME is a part of the earth.

    The earth HOLDS the ocean. The earth holds space for the movement of the ocean, the waves, the vastness and the mystery. What I didn't trust was my ME. I didn't trust ME to be ME enough to hold space for all that comes and goes. I feared that my ME would drown with any wave, big or small.

    Now I know.

    My ME, whatever the size or energy, has the unconditional ability to hold space for the waves, the feelings. To embrace them all… however seemingly destructive or scary they can be. My ME knows better than to give the feelings away to food, friends, family, lovers, work, parties, music, exercise… rather she knows to hold the feelings for ME. Their mine to hold.


    When I'm with ME, I can feel the earth more. 

    Moonlight. Just beautiful. Perfect amount of darkness and light.

    I went to Ocean Avenue to see the earth, the moon and the ocean. It was magical. They were all there for me like, "Welcome. We're so happy to have you. Welcome to life."

    The pier all lit up with the highway running alongside the ocean. A reminder that the city keeps moving and the earth is always there for everyone.


    If people decide to wrap themselves up in cars, food, alcohol, drugs and drama - they can. Or they just look at the earth and it will greet them with grace, beauty, power and love. It never holds anything against us for taking too long too notice. It's just there.



    Being with ME allows me to detach from ME. To see and get to know the many parts of ME. I recently noticed a part of ME that developed somewhere along the way.

    It's all blurry.

    Somewhere in the journey, I developed a trait. A trait that requires me to dress and present myself in a particular way. In a way that I am particular. That I am particular about everything.

    Seemingly, put together.


    Sitting in my ME, I feel this trait is heavy armor. I will pick my shirt. I will pick what I eat. I will pick my experience. As a defense… to not get too close to nothingness. I want to be something. I want to be someone. So I will choose.

    Seemingly, decisive.

    Seemingly having it all together.

    What does it mean to have it all together if you're not experiencing the world and your life from your ME? Does it really matter?

    I saw it in this moment.

    Using my personality to survive the world. As though the world needs to be survived. The world wants me to be ME. I don't want to spend the remainder of my life attached to my personality, in the hopes of defending that my existence matters. No more pigeonholing myself.

    Surrendering to the fluidity that is ME. To merge with the world... in both our mysteries.


    What would I be like if I didn't need to prove myself anymore? What would I do, what would I say, who would I be? What does that feel like?

    What would life feel like if I didn't need to attend every invite to be the supportive friend? If I wasn't always available to everyone in my life with an answer, a solution, a shoulder to lean on?


    This morning I got in my car.

    I drive a car that gives me three driving options: comfort, eco friendly and sport. When I put it on the eco friendly option, the car turns off when it is at red light or stopped. This morning I decided to put it on the eco friendly option for the first time.

    I stopped at a red light. I had no music on (also for the first time). All of a sudden, there I was. 

    My ME in the car. In silence. I felt myself.

    I realized now I was always drowning out the silence with noise to avoid being with ME. 

    Today, I took my ME on a drive for the first time. 


    I am learning. 

    When I can be inclusive of all parts of ME, my ME can take care of all my other parts. I don't need validation from the world for the parts of me I was ignoring before.

    My heart expands.

    My soul expands.

    I felt it today. I felt how I was able to make room in my heart for those who previously annoyed me. An annoying driver on the street, a bad waiter, a negative friend and a critical family member. 

    Being inclusive of ME, allows me to be inclusive of EVERYONE from my heart.

    My heart expands.

    My soul expands.


    I've been wearing mascara every day since I can remember. I don't wear a lot of makeup at all. Just subtle eye makeup and a lip stain. I always hated feeling cake-y and oily. 

    Yet, even with the little make up I wear, I somehow seem to feel totally unkempt and ugly without it. I haven't been wearing it lately because I'm with myself all day, I'm with my pain. I may cry out of no where. At the red light, in the bathroom, and sometimes even right in front of others. As I tear I quickly say, it must be allergies to the person standing in front of me, knowing that the first moment I have to myself I will let it all out. 

    It's too much trouble to clean up a black eye on the move. So I've been without eye make up for quite some time.

    Yesterday, my friend said I look really beautiful. I melted. Like, really!?!? Without anything on my face?

    What if I am beautiful with nothing on my face? What if I don't need mascara?

    What a life changing thought. All these little moments, memories of times people caught me without makeup, in my exercise clothes or pajamas and told me I looked pretty flashed before my eyes. I cried for her who couldn't receive that appreciation before.

    I see now that she needs ME.

    WHAT IS IT...



    Last year, I felt deeply rejected. The story is left out intentionally because it's not a comparison of stories. Every rejection how ever slight or severe has impact. And the lesson is not in the story and how to avoid a similar story again, rather it's to learn how to be in a relationship with our own feelings and pain. Do I reject my own feelings or do I listen, trust and nurture them?

    I was in pain for months and then one day I felt that my pain was awfully familiar. She wasn't new pain. We knew each other and I feared her in the past. She kept speaking to me and saying, "See, I told you so. You aren't lovable." I would always respond, "No. YES I AM" and then go out into the world and try to prove to my her (my pain) that I am lovable.

    This time it was different. 

    I was curious.

    I stood in my pain, I melted into it and started to drown in it. I became one with her.

    In my drowning, I knew that my pain had something to teach me about myself. I was scared and simultaneously knew that if I brushed her off again… she would be angry. If I went about my life to focus on something other than my pain, I would end up in the same place. That she would come back again, if anything more severe the next time to get my attention.

    I couldn't hide her by working a lot, excessively socializing, exercising, thinking positively and being grateful for all the other wonderful parts of my life. My pain needed ME. She needed ME. That's when I my true self love journey started.

    That moment was the beginning. I will never forget it.