I spoke to my mom today to ask how my daughters are doing since I'm out of town and she’s taking care of them. She told me about how they used flowers pots to create a nook in the backyard where they can read books. She said, “It was completely their idea!” and of course it was. Because they are four. And they are still their untarnished, purest versions. They are full of good ideas and confidence and light and feelings they are feeling in real time. My job is not to crush them. To help them preserve their ME,...
11 pm. Everyone in the house asleep, except for me. And so, my anxiety invites herself into the room to keep me company. She takes what was the air and makes it into her pool. She does laps around the room and I hold my breath, submerged, paralyzed, at her whim. My anxiety is clever. She likes to play dress up. Sometimes she shows up disguised as spiders. Other times a man in the corner of the room. I'm asleep. I'm awake. I'm somewhere in between. She is with me everywhere. I see her. I don't mean figuratively. She manifests herself and...
I am an Active Duty Navy Registered Nurse. This means that I get to take care of the most incredible and courageous men and women this country knows. I wear my uniform with honor and respect. But the military lifestyle is a lonely one. I move every few years and I have struggled with making friends and developing unconditional relationships. To me, my Fred and Far ring reminds me that it is okay to just love me, to just honor me, to just choose me for now. It reminds me that I am enough. Thank you for inviting me on...
There was a time, that my ME was drunk on obsession. Replaying old stories on repeat, until I shamed or blamed myself into oblivion. Starving myself of food and love and self acceptance. Consuming myself with judgment - from others, from myself. All the things that could have been done better. The body parts that should look better. Function better. The milestones that remain out of reach. The mistakes, the mistakes, the mistakes. My ME was high on these regrets. The insufficiency. The dreams deferred. But now my ME is sober. My ME creates space for the unknown. She can...
All the parts I locked away and neglected
Are opening.
I reveal myself to myself,
And revel in myself.
Turns out I am not a tight bud desperately trying to keep it all together.
I am an open blossom who is ready to let it all go,
And take it all in.
I’ve put you a hill… More like a mountain. I’ve surrounded you with gardens and light That in the distance shimmering… Compel me to climb. I climb this woman-made incline This pedestal Fueled by the hope… Of one day reaching you And yet, The closer I get The more I see The more I realize Each garden a mirage Created by my love, so determined to find a place To plant and grow I reach you Atop my own personal Mt. Olympus And you stand And I stand And I, no longer craning my neck, Trying to distinguish...
Where does lost love go? Does it linger… a shadow on one’s heart that forever changes all future love? Does it burn away… inconsequential, forgotten? When a love is lost, abruptly cut short, can it still grow? Does it fill one’s heart and give her strength to continue, or is it a vacancy that swallows you whole?
When I honor my ME, my love is constant. Even when love with another shifts away, love for myself remains. In periods of loss, my ME holds me steady.
I breathe
My soul song slips into the room lingering
On my elation.
I let go
And let in
The enigmatic with open arms.
I sleep
And dream of moments like this one
Where all is light and life is letting
Me embrace
ME.
I self impose amnesia
To relieve myself of you.
To make my way forward
Without remembering a thing
About you
About us.
But you can’t be forgotten: you existed, you still exist.
And despite my pain, I’m still here, intact.
More intact in fact than when you were here.
So instead of forgetting,
I must push myself to remember us honestly.
Because honestly, you did not honor my ME.
And when we were together, neither did I.
So I choose to remember.
